Virginia Satir's Four Styles of Communication
Computer
If you are the computer, you are very correct, very
reasonable, with no semblance of any feeling showing. You
are calm, cool, and collected. You could be compared to an
actual computer or dictionary. A computer uses the longest
words possible, even if you aren't sure of the meanings. You
will at least SOUND intelligent. After one paragraph, no one
will be listening anyway. Keep everything about yourself as
motionless as possible, including your mouth. When you are
computing, your voice will naturally go dead because you
have no feeling from the cranium down. You are kept busy
choosing the right words. After all, you should never make a
mistake! The sad part of this role is that it seems to
represent an ideal goal for many people. "Say the right
words, show no feeling; don't react."
Blamer
The blamer is a fault-finder, a dictator, a boss. If you are a
blamer, you act superior and seem to be saying: "If it weren't
for you, everything would be all right." Good blaming requires
you to be as loud as tyrannical as you can. Cut everything and
everyone down. Start your sentences with "You never do this or
you always do that or why do you always or why do you never . .
. ?" and so on. Think of yourself standing with one hand on your
hip and the other arm extended with your index finger pointed
straight out. Your face is screwed up, your lips curled, your
nostrils flared as you yell, call names, and criticize everything
under the sun. You don't really feel you are worth anything,
either. So if you can get someone to obey you, then you feel
you count for something.
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Placater
The placater always talks in an ingratiating way, trying to please,
apologizing, never disagreeing, no matter what. If you are a placater, you
are a "yes man." You talk as though you could do nothing for yourself; you
must always get someone to approve of you. You owe everybody gratitude,
and you really are responsible for everything that goes wrong. Naturally you
will agree with any criticism made about you. You are, of course, grateful for
the fact that anyone actually talks to you, no matter what they say or how they
say it. Be the most syrupy, martyrish, bootlicking person you can be. Think
of yourself as being physically down on one knee, wobbling a bit, putting
one hand out in a begging fashion, and be sure to have y our head up so
your neck will hurt and your eyes will become strained so in no time you
begin to get a headache. You will be saying "yes" to everything, no matter
what you feel or think.
Distractor
Whatever the distractor does or says is irrelevant to what anyone else is saying
or doing. When you play the distracting role, it will help if you think of yourself as
a kind of lopsided top, constantly spinning, but never knowing where you are
going, and not realizing it until you get there. Make sure that you are never on
the point with your words. Ignore everyone's questions; maybe come back with
one of your own on a different subject. Take a piece of imaginary lint off
someone's garment, untie shoelaces, and so on. At first this role seems like a
relief, but after a few minutes of play, the terrible loneliness and purposefulness
arise. If you can keep yourself moving fast enough, you won't notice it so much .
. .
The Four Most Toxic
Syndromes in a Marriage
DRUG AFFECTED:
Either partner is frequently using alcohol, cannabis,
cocaine, or other mood-altering chemical. If either you
or your partner are emotionally dependent upon alcohol
or drugs, then the foundation of your relationship is on
emotional quicksand. Whatever progress you think you
are making as a couple today will tend to unravel in the
future. The reason is that addiction or even
psychological dependence on a substance will alter a
person's capacity for certain feeling states that are
essential for maintaining a healthy relationship.
Feelings, like empathy, curiosity, spiritual appreciation,
and deference will usually become numbed. Other more
stimulating motivations like pride, dominance, and
hyper-reaction will tend to be overemphasized instead.  
THIRD PARTY
CONTAMINATION:
Either partner is keeping contact with another person
with whom they have previously had a sexual/emotional
bond.
If your partner is having an on-going affair with another
party, it is extremely unlikely that any progress can be
made in traditional marital counseling, because he/she
will be too emotionally unavailable.
If your partner has never exhibited deceptive behavior
prior to the affair, then restoration of the relationship may
be possible. However, if deceptive behavior has preceded
the affair, then prognosis is grim.
Even if there has been no history of prior deception, do
not assume that cessation of the affair and the passage of
time will together heal the relationship. Trust is not
usually restored by the mere passage of time. Under the
best of circumstances, a lot of hard work is usually
necessary to create a new level of intimacy and
understanding.
THREAT OF PHYSICAL
VIOLENCE:
Either partner has demonstrated through their past
behavior or by verbal threat that they may physically
assault or restrict movement of the other.
Although there are a number of factors that may
contribute to physical violence in a relationship, there is
no excusing it. If you are the target of physical violence in
the relationship, you need to find a way to avoid it. This
may require leaving the relationship altogether. If there
are children who are also bearing the brunt of the
physical abuse, then it is doubly important to take
decisive action. Do not underestimate the potential
degree of psychological damage that can be done to
yourself or your children.
The problem and responsibility for stopping the violence
lies with the perpetrator. If you are the target, get
protection for yourself (and your children).
INTENTIONAL DECEPTION:
Either party intentionally tries to lie or deceive the other in order to
avoid exposing broken agreements or irresponsible behavior. If you are
in a relationship with someone who periodically lies for their own
convenience, you have a very serious problem with the basic foundation
of your relationship. Good relationships have truth as one of the highest
priorities. Without truth there is a lack of trust. With a lack of trust, you
usually wind up living in fear and shame (or the alternative of
resentment and anger).
LESS TOXIC SYNDROMES
Role-bound, Emotional
Starvation Syndrome:
Both parties have evolved to interact with each other
like business managers, going about the business of
managing everyday life but without mutual play or
sentimental affirmation of each other. Special time is
not allocated for intimate talking. No significant effort is
made to share intimate time away from parenting roles.
Each party feels "taken for granted." Arguments flare up
about small control issues or events that are interpreted
as indicating a lack of appreciation of each other.
Pursuer-Evader Syndrome:
One party is more comfortable with the expression of
intense feelings. The other party dreads intensity,
especially heated conflict. The person who dreads
intensity finds ways to emotionally withdraw by finding
responsibilities that take up their time. The other
person sees the partner withdrawing and reacts by
aggressively pursuing contact. They often intrude by
expressing their resentments in a derogatory manner.
The pursuer/intruder may also openly interpret the
withdrawing party's feelings and motives. The
withdrawing party reacts by withdrawing further. The
pursuer feels like they are being driven crazy!!
Initiator-Dependent
Syndrome:
One party (the initiator) has somehow
wound up with all the responsibility for
planning the fun part of the relationship.
The dependent party may be very
responsible in their job role. However,
when it comes to family or relationship
activity, they look to the initiator for ideas.
The dependent party is easy and ready to
agree. The initiator feels as if they have
another child for a partner. They miss the
excitement of another perspective besides
their own and they feel lonely although
they may cover it over with anger.
Delinquent Helper Syndrome:
One party (the "task-master") has somehow wound up with all
of the responsibility for overseeing the household chores. The
other party often doesn't help at all. The task-master frequently
reminds the delinquent helper what needs to be done. The
delinquent helper often forgets if they are not frequently
reminded.
Non-productive Conflict:
The couple starts a conflict over a specific issue but soon
escalates to general blaming behavior. Past misdeeds are raised
up in an attempt to invalidate the other. Nothing gets
accomplished and the couple retreats from one another with
much hostility. The syndrome does not refer to conflict which
threatens violence or becomes violent.
Sneaky Spending Behavior:
One party is trying to live within a realistic budget, but the
other part is often unmindful of what they spend. The less
mindful person may not be forthcoming about what they buy.